The LEEK - Exclusive

In this not-so-shocking exclusive, Da’ Leek has learned, that prior to their 2005 playoff loss to the Carolina Panthers, members of the Chicago Bears decided to throw the game after learning the Super Bowl would be held in Detroit this year. A confidential informant from the team claimed that just hours before the playoff game was to begin, the team voted to “throw in the towel”. Rumors filtered through the locker room regarding the location of this year’s Super Bowl shortly before Coach Lovie Smith gave the team their final pep talk. Immediately after Coach Smith’s speech, a player’s only meeting was held, in which the nearly unanimous choice to purposely lose the playoff game rather than risk going to Detroit, was made.

One member of the 2005 Chicago Bears agreed to an exclusive interview with Da’ Leek’s own Suzy Kolber. However, to protect his identity, his image has been altered.

Susie K: “Take me through scene in the locker room when you first learned that the Superbowl would be held in of all places, Detroit Michigan.”

Chicago Bear: “Well at first we all thought it was a big joke; Peanut (Charles Tillman) always be having his fun. We were all cracking up because the Superbowl, the crown jewel of the NFL, the most watched television event of each year, was going to be held in Detroit? Mike Brown yelled out “Where’s that Ashton Kucher at? I’m on ‘Punked’ right”?”

“I laughed it off, especially after the game was held in that armpit of town Jacksonville, F.L.A. There was no way the NFL would want another embarrassment like that. And anyway, the Superbowl is always held in the South; Atlanta, New Orleans, Tampa, ‘Zona or beautiful San Diego. Ain’t no way it was in the ‘Mistake by the Lake’ Detroit?”

S.K. “Who first told you it was really ‘in Detroit’.”

C.B. Well my locker is by Hunter’s (Hillenmeyer) locker. He didn’t hear what was going on because he had head phones on, but he could tell something was funny. I told him Peanut is getting the team loose by telling everyone the Superbowl is in Detroit this year. He then, straight faced, told me it is true, the Superbowl IS in Detroit. Snap! My jaw hit the floor.

S.K. “You just believed Hunter?”

C.B. “Suz, Ole boy went to Vanderbilt and got learned. He might even be smarter then Nebraska alum Brownie (Mike Brown). If Hunter says something, it’s the truth!” Tank (Tank Johnson) must have overheard and ran his big mouth off to everyone because before I knew it, the locker room was silent.”

S.K. “Then Lovie Smith had the team meeting and when that ended, the players cast their ballots to purposely lose the game.”

C.B. “Yea, that’s pretty much it. Peanut volunteered to single handedly blow the game. He claims he is really good at getting out of position and that it would probably happen anyway. I’m sorry, this is very difficult for me.”

S.K. “I know this is hard but, I’m wondering why, in your mind is Detroit so bad?”

C.B. “You don’t know what it’s like Suz. The stories you hear, they are all true! Up there, you are so close to Canada; so close, so close...They put Maple Syrup on everything! We have to go up there once a year, but it is controlled. We don’t leave the hotel. We don’t want to leave the hotel. Coach Rivera showed us a video of what Detroit is like so we weren’t tempted to venture outside. Even their ‘nicest’ suburb of Gross Point Blank is right next to eight mile and it’s filled with professional hit-men and guys killing their wives and rhyming about it. Then downtown Detroit, I will never forget it, the horrors I saw. That dead guy jumping from building to building just killing people and seeing through the eyes of a crow! And who is going to protect us from the underworld junkies or the Kiss Army? Are you going to protect me? How ‘bout that half man / half robot? Does Axel Foley have my back?”

“This is a very bad place make no mistake about it. Cat Scratch Fever can be heard for miles around; everywhere you turn that no talent ass-clown Tim Allen is lurking and somehow, somehow, Dick Jauron was still working as a coach, Dick Jauron….”

“So yea, I voted to blow the game, let Steve Smith catch easy touchdown after easy touchdown. I have a family to think of and there was no way I was going back to that hell.”

S.K. “I have one last question, but before I ask it I just wanted to say that you are a very courageous young man and you are right to be afraid of Canadians. And from what I understand from your comments, the only thing worse then Detroit is perhaps ‘Big Momma’s House 2’.”

C.B. Thanks, but I don’t even want to think about that movie, Suzy.

S.K. Finally, in your honest opinion, which other former NFL Superbowl MVP would you like to see drunkenly hit on me during a sideline interview? Mark Rypien? Joe Montana? Jim Plunkett? Or would it be fun for Steve Young or Troy Aikman to take a sloppy run at me?

C.B. I don’t know why, but I see you asking Jim Plunkett questions as he licks salt off of your shoulder before knocking down a shot of tequila. Bueno!

Potential candidates to drunkenly hit on Suzy during a sideline interview:

Jim Plunkett

Troy Aikman

Joe Montana