Local Man chips driver side window with Face

Local Man Ed Collins was just traveling home from work as he does most days, on his super cool yellow bike. Riding on a heavily biked route, Milwaukee avenue on Chicago's North side, when an unsuspecting driver swung open his door.  The driver certainly was not expecting a 240 pound man on a bike to ram into his open door, causing some damage to his window, which did not have a frame, but was one of them new-fangled doors without a B frame, thus the top of the window was slightly damaged.  The man on the Bike, allegedly with no time to stop, had rammed into the door, his head slamming into the glass with his teeth and mouth being to focal point of contact, as he bounced back form the door and onto the pavement he knocked himself silly. Once recovered and spitting out teeth and blood he encountered the distraught man and made sure that his car would be fine. As anyone knows when driving, you need to be on the lookout for those pesky bikers, and make sure that they do not damage your door or windows with their face as they slam into your ajar door when you failed to check your mirror before opening said door.  Ed had this to say about the matter "I sure hope that this doesn't cause the driver any substantial damage or time to fix his car, I mean I only have to make 5 trips to the dentist, but man, I hope that window is ok"  As of press time Ed was practicing the many new parlor tricks one can do with missing teeth, and was considering moving to Indiana so he can fit in until such time as he can get the proper dental work complete to his mouth and get that yokel look about him cleared off.

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Oklahoma Renamed Oklacool

In an effort to enhance its image in the United States from a corn growing, hick breeding, cattle ranching state and to distance itself from the image of its surrounding states, Oklahoma officials have decided to rename the state “OklaCool”, upping its status from “OK”.  One state official commented, "We feel that we have attained a level of superiority in social status above our neighboring states while maintaining our laidback attitude, which can be best summed up with the word cool.  In the past we were just an OK state, but over the last few years we have been striving to look, act and sound cooler than we were.  We are the hip state in the land of squares."  Apparently the previous moniker of just OK, was not driving the tourism industry, leaving many residents to tip over way too many cows in frustration.

Not to be outdone nearby Kansas has a motion in the house to change their name to "Kickass", while Mississippi is thinking about "Missallthat" and Texas is waffling between "Texawesome" and "Keepinitreal."

 

 

 

 

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The ‘Dimes’ They are a changin’

Economic factors over the past several decades have increased the costs associated with doing business in the United States.  As a result, to remain fiscally sound, many companies have simply raised prices for their product or services; except one.  In 1938 the March of Dimes was founded by President Franklin D. Roosevelt with the mission to find a cure for polio.  Following the victory over this disease, this not-for-profit charitable organization altered its philanthropic mission to protect the nation’s youth from birth defects, premature births, and other threats to their health.  Throughout its history, there is one aspect of this organization has not been altered, explains President of The March of Dimes, Dr. Jennifer House.  “As an entity, we have seen the highs and the lows, been through the recessions and times of economic progress, however, this recent stretch of inflation has required us to ‘change’ with the times.”  “To ‘coin’ a phrase, dimes just don’t go as far as they used to.”  “This is why, I am proud to announce, that as of today, we are no longer the March of Dimes, we are the March of Quarters!” “This small modification just makes ‘cents’!”

According to company spokesmen, the $.15 increase in revenue will not only assist in balancing the company’s books but it will also fund future programs.  In addition, management of the entity hopes lost revenues will shrink.  Losing these small pieces of change can be relatively easy and can quickly add up.  According to Stewart Scott of ESPN, forward LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers, while cooler then the other side of the pillow, he “dropped like 15 dimes on the Pistons;  Boo-Ya! Hallah at ya’ Playa!” Over the years, the company has recorded millions of dollars lost in pants pockets, vending machines and couch cushions. They hope the switch to the larger and more valuable quarter will change the tide of the loose change slipping away thru small holes in trousers as well as due to people’s apathy toward the dime.

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Local man bans DaLeek at household.

Local man Ben expressed dismay at his wife's amusement and article writing prowess for a local publication. Ben was rather upset that he is becoming the main brunt of jokes on DaLeek, having been featured in several news articles to this point, and another right now. However, being who he is, there is always an abundance of material and comedy associated with his everyday comings and goings as well as behavior exhibited that some may describe as shenanigans.  Not to be confused with that place around the corner with the great mini tacos.

Sources close to Ben state that he was pondering a libel lawsuit against both his wife and this publication, this reporter got an exclusive interview with Ben's attorney, Mr. Hutz, who had this to say on the issue: "A lawsuit based entirely on my client's personal embarrassment and bad behavior, while a great idea, isn't actually legal." Hutz went on to say, "We'll be looking into other legal ramifications such as a suit for lost wages, mental health capacity, etc. but I'm not confident he has a case. His wife is pretty sharp, plus you can't really sue someone for libel when the events actually happened."

Unfortunately, as of press time, Ben was unavailable for comment, however, a witness did spot him urinating into an air vent near his dining room muttering and yelling barely comprehensible rantings which mainly consisted of "My house!"

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Suburban Couple's Dinner Party tainted by Stripper Misty Farland

Saturday, November 5th, -- Oak Brook Illinois
What began as an innocent couple's dinner to celebrate Mrs. Amy Henderson's 29th birthday ended tragically when friend Mrs. Nichole _ got the bad stripper at Score's Gentleman's Club. "Dinner at Benihana's was fun. I had the Deluxe Dinnah of steak and lobster and several, several glasses of pino," Nichole said.
Mrs. Julie Lacher, also in attendance, concurred "Nichole was having a great time. Amy and I were also having a blast and then Amy revealed that she wanted to go to a strip club. We'd talked about it first and it seemed fun. Nichole seemed to think it was a fun idea too."
The evening went sour when Mrs. Henderson insisted the girls get lap dances for her birthday. "I'm pretty sure that Amy premeditated this but I was willing to go along with it. My friends picked out their strippers and I got stuck with a girl named Misty. She smelled good but kept asking about Ben, my husband, and insisted she wasn't a lesbian."
Nichole, also not a lesbian, quickly gave the fugly stripper $60 and went back to her drink at the table, thoroughly disappointed. "Amy and Julie said their girls were fun and talked about perfume, shopping and danced with them for two songs. What a rip."
 

Breaking News: Sox Super-fan Ben Sleeps through World Series

Wednesday evening's historic World Series White Sox win deemed a sleeper by Sox Super-fan Ben, who regretfully fell asleep after the 3rd inning.
"I realize that nobody scored the first part of the game but the lights, music, and excitement kept my attention for the whole time. Except during commercial breaks when I watched NBC's 'Invasion.' My expectations were met and exceeded... but I experienced it alone. Ben fell asleep and I kept waking him up to tell him that he was missing the World Series," Ben's wife, Nichole, said Thursday of husband.
This afternoon Ben returned from work early with a decidedly high fever. Suburban onlooker Mr. Sherman of unit 108 said "I think he looked sick but from what? I think he's sick about sleeping through his series."
Plans to watch the Ti-Vo version of the game are shaky at best. Ben told Leek reporters "Honey, it's a load of crap, is what it is. It's not fair, taking advantage of my sickness for the media. It's cruel, actually. Nichole, can I please lay down on the couch? I know you are writing an article about me but I'd really like to lay on the couch."

Ben's super-fan status was immediately revoked, he will be asked to return his fancy White Sox hat immediately and will not be able to attend the parade.  Although his sickness will probably already preclude him from doing that anyway.  The entire editorial staff at the Leek wish Ben a quick recovery.

Da Leek...EXPOSED!

A recent startup website, Da Leek, is nothing more than a website full of derivative material of the world renowned news source, The Onion.  Close examination of the title, Da Leek, proves this. A "Leek" is defined as "A plant related to the Onion". This correlation is significant.  When confronted with this evidence, Editor in Chief, Slavek "Slavo" Kucharski (pronounced "Koo-har-ski") had this to say.  "Oh yeah, we totally rip them off. I have been reading the Onion for years, it has helped me shape my world view and morals. Nary a week goes by that I don't consult it. My first-born will be Onion Slavo Kucharski. That will be a hard name to live with, but it will be good for the little punk", said Slavek, looking forward to fatherhood.
Edward "Ed" Collins, the publication's top staff journalist had this to say. "Ever since Champaign, I've read the Onion. I always knew that I could do better. One day, Slavek got Photoshop, and was sober long enough to figure out how to crop, cut and paste some layers, so we decided to do just that...better. We know it's a tall order, but we are up to the challenge. Our lives are full of funny and meaningful experiences that we will share and expose to the world on the internet. We will also strive to share all our friends secrets revealed to us during our drunken escapades. Like Slavo, he likes "Titanic" and has the soundtrack...totally gay"
Added Collins "You need a beer?"
An unnamed reader of both publications remarks: "It all started in Champaign for me too. I remember going down there for the Junior Engineering Technical Society (JETS) competition in high school. Someone thought it would be cool to have a copy at every table. Bless that person. I remember my first article, had something to do with a bowl of steaming Ramen being the actual burning bush at Mt. Sinai that the Bible refers to. With that type of hard hitting social commentary and historical research, I knew this publication would change my life. And it did. Except those fuckers won't come up with this one article I want, title had something to do with "Marijuana linked to sitting around and getting high". I even paid for the Premium subscription...fuckers. I hope they don't start making me pay for Da Leek, that would be shitty."
Editor in Chief Slavo adds "We hear the requests for feature articles like the one above, and in an attempt to please our readership, we have launched a campaign to see if this is true. The results of this study will be published as soon as we can remember what happened. Ed is in charge of being the scribe next time we do this researching, I was the only one who had a pen and I couldn't stop doing the crossword puzzle. Hey, do you know a five letter word for 'Asian sea'?"

Local Husband Un-amused by Wife’s Late Night

Friday September 30, 2005 Chicago - Chicago husband Ben is thoroughly disgusted with his wife’s behavior during Thursday night hurrah with girlfriend Kim Scullion.  “She never calls when she’s out late.  She came home after 3a.m. and tried to assault me.  I just feel kind of dirty,” Ben, who is usually on the delivery side of abovementioned behavior and was thoroughly confused by being the recipient,  said of his wife Nichole.

Typical late nights with Nichole include husband Ben, however lately she’s been on a wild streak.  Reporters have seen the young blonde attending happy hours and gay bars; plans for the couple to move to the suburbs have only encouraged the outrageous behavior. 

Ben, who has a long and documented streak of confirmed belligerence had this to say “I’m not saying that she’s gotten belligerent, but I think she tried to trick me into making her a Tombstone last night.”  Even the next morning, he was none too pleased “I definitely didn’t make her a mug of coffee this morning before I left for work, and she can get her own bottle of Gatorade.” 

Nichole was unavailable for comment.  Somehow though, she did manage to make it to work and submit this article for publication.