Chicago, IL

Hollywood celebrity and activist Angelina Jolie announced today that she will attend a benefit in the Jerkstore to support the "Human Fund".

"I found out about the Human Fund from Brad [Pitt]. I've always supported worthy causes that benefit all humanity. I've done work for various agencies, yet they didn't were pretty specific in the type of people they were supporting, from Wyclef's Haitian thing, to the UN Aid for Africa thing, supporting the Human Fund allows me to focus my efforts on all of humanity at one time. I'm really excited."

Sources close to the this historical event wish to clarify that Ms. Jolie did in fact find out about the human fund from Chicago native Ben "Benny" Bischmann, and not Brad. Mr. Bischmann has this to say. "So I was out one night and you're not going to believe this but Angelina Jolie comes up and just starts talking to me, says how surprised she is to see me and everything and starts calling me Brad. I'm like, hey, this is Angelina Jolie, so I play along, see where this might go. She was so wasted. Anyway, we start talking about things we like to do, and she is going on and on about how her efforts aren't really helping humanity as a whole and then I bring up the Human Fund, and the rest is history folks."

Proprietor's Slavo Kucharski is excited about the event. "We plan on throwing an all out BASH. With the money we will be getting from Angelina and her Hollywood friends, we will be able to buy kegs for the next 2 years and make much needed improvements to the Jerkstore, like actually completing the "wall off the pisser" project and maybe buy another kegerator. That would rule. The cash is is going to help, I can't do much with the current contributions, like the 5 dollars off a Jiffy Lube oil change coupon, like I'd pay someone to change my oil...right"

Long time Jerkstore regular Ed Collins noted "Can you imagine, all the hot chick Hollywood friends she is going to bring to this thing? I can't wait, I'm installing mini cam's throughout the area. And I hear that all these chicks like Lindsay Lohan, Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton are total sluts but really nice, and that all they really want is a regular guy. I'm a regular guy. I bet they don't get to see many guys like me living in California. I'd say I have a 87% chance of hooking up. If Kat attends, we may even get some hot girl-on-girl action going. I will tell the story of this night to my children, hopefully I have boys."

Readers wanting to donate to the Human Fund can do so by adding cash and / or check (good checks only) to the plastic container usually located somewhere in the house.