Simon's Rants
|
Some band reviews brought to you by Simon:
!!!-Myth Takes |
Latest employee rants :
I know we all have "interesting" fellow employees That make our work enviroments all that much more challenging Here's a few of my favorite's past & present here in my office My fellow manager, the guy who oversees the chimney sweeps I believe has a mild form of Tourette's At any time of the day, he can be heard bellowing "God dammit", "Shit" and the ever-popular "Motherfucker" Loudly He has a penchant for giving nicknames One of the girls is Boris, inherited from a girl before her Although he will just yell Boris at any female Who's name he doesn't quite remember Even if they've been here for 6 months And our female boss is "The Wombat" I'll let you imagine why He also likes to walk thru the office proclaiming "(name here) is dripping", meaning someone is upset Also loudly and directed at no one in particular And whichever person's name he uses Typically isn't even upset, he just likes to say it & We had a lady named Barbie who did telemarketing She was as close to crazy as I've ever seen up close As nice as could be, but... All those things you just think in your head and don't say She couldn't stop herself from saying them It was a running commentary about nothing at all She had a mirror at her desk to talk to, kinda like a bird does In fact, one time she stood next to me talking about nothing And after a few minutes I realized she was talking to herself In the mirror on the wall over my head And at over 50, she went out EVERY night to pick up guys Only to continually get "infections" that I had to hear about On an almost weekly basis In fact, I saw her about 6 months before I started working here I was working as a DJ in a bar and after work A crew of us would hit the after-hours bars together One night in a bar at around 3:00AM Surrounded by what you'd expect in a bar at that time She was holding court over a group of men and walked out later with two of them I almost shit when I met her months later & Another favorite was the guy that was supposed to replace me We have a second business where we sell parts/supplies to other chimney sweeps I had started it up for them, but they didn't think the business was doing well enough And blamed it on me not being "outgoing" enough to pester people to come buy from us So they hired a guy who was about as opposite from me as possible A 40 year old loud obnoxious beyond sterotypical Italian Who had no interest in working at all I'd have to "fix" his computer almost daily because he was looking at porn Although he wouldn't admit it, until a customer said he had "a bunch of lesbians" on the screen when he walked in He kept trying to blame it on pop-ups He would call in often, sometimes sick But mostly because everyone he knew died In fact he quit to go to Vegas to deal with his mother's death arrangments & estate Two weeks later, his mom calls looking for him And just as funny, I actually saw him at a concert About 3 months before he joined us I have a habit of people watching and pointed out to Kim This 30 year old trying to pick up a girl who was maybe 15 A little later he's standing with two friends One of which is my soon to be fellow employee When I realized I had seen him before, I questioned him about it And he was quite proud of the girls each of them got that night Bragging how lucky he gets at all ages shows He was also married with 3 kids... |
|
Ok,
here's the latest incident: So I'm driving to work this morning, running behind because the tv distracts the boys just a little too much during get dressed time. Normal morning traffic going on and I'm cruising along nicely and enjoying a greatest hits cd by The Temptations(who have been known to produce strange fits in my body akin to dance-like movements-but that's another story). So I pull up to a light on a two-lane road with a turn lane to the left also. On the right there is a bank. As I pulled to the light, the left turn lane was full and backed up, the left lane(I'm in) is about six cars deep in front of me & 10 cars deep behind me. The right lane is about even with the left lane in fullness. So this lady comes flying from the the bank parking lot up to the street and squeezes her car into the right lane between two cars with about 2" on either side as extra space. And then proceeds to start honking - at me. Because I'm in front of her and impeding her from crossing the street. Even though there's a red light and cars on everyside of me. So I put my car in park and get out and walk around the car to talk to her. Come to find out she has 3 kids with her(like 6-12 years old). And now they are ALL yelling at me(lights still red) and calling me names, even the youngest one. I was totally amused with the situation and felt the need to do more, but the turn-light changed and I knew my green was coming so I simply looked in the car and sniffed deep and said "So that's what a family of assholes smells like, I've always wondered" and proceeded back to my car, with them yelling at me with a fervor approaching speaking in tongues. I got back in my car and the light changed and as I continued on I noticed the lady was still stuck because the turn lane was full and blocking her and AI smiled as I listened to her horn fade into the distance and started singing "Papa Was A Rolling Stone". |
|
Followed
by some memories: Funny thing about my escapade yesterday is how much nicer I've become over the years. In my pre-Kim early adulthood years, I had a similair situation unfold around me(yes, sadly my foolishness has been going on for some time). That time, the lady just pulled out into oncoming traffic from a grocery store and blocked two lanes so she could get into the turn lane. Traffic was moving at about 35mph and we had a green light and she just pulled right in front of me & stopped. So I lock up my brakes and hope that I stop & the people behind me can stop, as well as the people in the other lane, who's brakes are squealing and horn is blaring. She gets into the turn lane after 30 seconds or so and by this time the light has changed, so when we stop I'm next to her & her carload of 4 children. And she flips me off and is yelling at me and so are her kids. So I roll down my window to ask her problem and get a diatribe on how I was driving to fast and could have killed her & her children while her kids keep calling me names. So I interupt her with a simple statement, said very nicely, along the lines of "I hope your oldest child crashes your car while driving his brothers and sisters to the store. I hope they all die and that you find out it was caused by him driving stupidly, just like you taught him today. And I hope you remember my face when you realize what happened and know I'd be laughing if I knew". And then I rolled up my window and waited for the light to change. |
|
*A follow up Simon's Rant* This
lady has been ranted previously Normally, I like to keep to myself and watch life unroll in front of me. But sometimes, life gives me chances I just can't pass up. Yesterday I had one of those chances. As I'm going to lunch, who do I spy, but the lady who gave me a hard time some months back. If you forget, she didn't like the idea of me eating lunch where I eat. So anyways, as I'm changing parking lots, she comes barreling in and almost hits a lady with her child in a stroller. Then she goes all the way around the parking lot at about 25mph and almost hits the maintenance man as he's taking out the garbage. And of course she noticed me as I parked in the back of the lot. So she unload a bunch of boxes from her car and heads in. Now since our first meeting, I've befriended the maintenance man and he comes over to say hello. I inquired about the lady and he tells me she's a rep for some medical company and is always loud and annoying. Well I could not resist and decided to waste some time and stroll inside. She's at the front desk and being loud about no one being available for her meeting up until she sees me and then she quiets down and stares at me. So I proceed to the counter and wait alongside her. And then I ask her if she always drives like that, especially when in a parking lot of a building that handles lots of women and children. She starts to turn red as I continue my questioning, inquiring if she finds it easier to continue her day if she can scare some poor mother with her child before her sales meetings. And then I point to the lady & child she almost hit and asked if she had been scared. She just kind of nods with a befuddled look on her face, so I begin press on. Except the doctor finally comes out for his meeting and joins us at the counter. Along with the staff behind the counter and the 5-10 customers in the office waiting room, I now have quite an audience. And my opponent is fuuuuuuming. And starts to curse me out in front of everyone, loudly and profanely. And I stand there a smile while she yells and then simply say to the doctor, "Enjoy your meeting" and return to my car for lunch. She exits a few minuted later all red-faced and extremely angry, climbs in her car and drives off. My maintenance man friend comes back out with a big grin and tells me that the doctor told the lady to leave and not return and he would call her supervisors to discuss her outburst and arrange for a new rep to handle their account. And I ate my sandwich with a very smug smile. to comment on this topic please go here |
 |
|
So here's my new complaint. Although not really a complaint as much as a question. Strip clubs, bachelor parties and their ilk. I don't really understand the fascination with them. Men like them and some women seem to like them and I don't see the end of them anywhere in the near future. And I get the general principle behind them. Nudity. And I'm a big fan of nudity and have no problem flashing my ass at the least provocation. I've mooned people in bars and streaked thru McDonalds, so it's not a problem with nudity. And I understand naked girl = boner. But naked girl you're giving money to that you can't touch = you going home alone with your boner. I can think of a lot of things I'd rather go home with than a hard-on. And even more so, I can think of many other ways I prefer to spend my money than getting a hard-on to take home with me. What's the attraction to giving money to the unattainable. Is it kind of like tithing at church. Except instead of supporting the congregation, you're pitching in for a new set of tits. Now to be honest, I've only been to one strip club in my life and a handful of bachelor parties (including seeing the dreaded double dildo show), but while they were amusing and all, I don't foresee myself rushing back for more. At my bachelor party we played volleyball and it was all males. If it hadn't been for some of the people wearing their jeans and socks, it could have been as homoerotic as the Top Gun volleyball scene. So there you have it.......... to comment on this topic please go here |
|
|
OK, so here's a totally stupid thought process for you. Somehow, this morning as I'm driving to work, I start thinking about this absurd friendship with music that I have and the bonding process we have gone thru together. I mean really, my oldest memories are in some way music related. I have vague memories of my childhood that come and go in my head, but the ones that come clear all tie in to music somehow. Like I remember calling a radio station as a kid (about 5 years old) and freaking out that the DJ answered the phone live on the air and hanging up on him before requesting my song because I was so scared that he had actually answered and I was ON THE RADIO. And then calling back so I could hear KC & The Sunshine Band's "I'm Your Boogieman" because I wanted to dance around the kitchen before school. To this day, whenever I hear that song, I think about this and smile, whilst still dancing about the same as I did as a kid. Ask my wife. For as funky as I wish I might be, it's all in my little toes and behind my ears, when it comes to moving and grooving. Sometimes I find the funk on my Q-tips, that's how bad it is. So anyways, then I start thinking about how music keeps evolving and how the means to listening to music keep evolving and what the future may hold in store for us. And what my grandkids might be listening to 25 years from now and how they might be listening to music. I love my MP3 player, but what's next. I mean, I loved my cd player until I got an MP3 player and I loved my cassette deck until I got a cd player. Know what I mean? Oh well, enough of that. At least we will probably be able to watch live music on stage for my lifetime. And that's really enough for me..... to comment on this topic please go here |
| |
|
Where to begin............... I'm published? Who authorized this craziness? I am not a commodity to be put out for mass consumption. The world is not ready for my musings. To allow the rest of the world into the shell of a world I've created, could spell the downfall of mankind as we know it. What if people actually took their heads out of their asses and thought about how what they are doing effects everyone else. The ramifications are mind-boggling. There could be an end to prejudice on all levels. Religious, economic and racial walls could tumble. Germany, Korea and the Carolina's would reunite. World peace would be possible. There would be no more boy bands. The earth could return to the Utopia known as Eden(or some fascmile thereof, if you will) And who'd want that? Besides, I need stock options, a percentage of all ad revenue sold and 3 weeks paid vacation. Holla, to comment on this topic please go here |
| |
Another day of grumpy ass
people giving me shit for things I can't control. Somedays I
just want to kick people where it hurts be it the head or crotch,
doesn't matter. Just one swift kick and I'd be happy. I
just had a lady give me a 5 minute tirade on how I should never
assume its "Mrs." And how much she "had to endure" being with
that man. And she never wants to be called "Mrs XXXXX" again
all I can think is......
|
| |
| You know, I could go thru the day a happy man if I didn't have to drive my car. And I love to drive my car. Especially when no one is with me and I can turn up the radio and enjoy. But I hate everyone else on the road. And not just the self-centered assholes who turn on red four cars after the light has changed. Or the idiots who think that just because they turn on their turn signal they can get over, whether you are there or not. Or the jerks who think a yield sign means absolutely nothing. I truly am starting to hate everybody. The little old lady who has to do ten miles under the speed limit, no matter the speed limit. The person who takes the open left lane, but wants to turn right in three blocks and has to cross two lanes to ge there. And even the guy driving the speed limit in the car next to me. I hate them all. I actually told my wife the other day that I wished I drove a junk car, so that I wouldn't feel so bad if I "accidently" had to hit someone. (Not too sure how she took that) It used to be I really enjoyed driving around and now I just sit there wondering what has happened to everybody. Am I just that out of touch and this is the way it should be. I'm thinking maybe there's some new religion called Assholism and I should just convert and join in the fun. But then I'd just hate myself and I can't have that. So I guess just be wary not to cross my path or you may get the evil eye of Simon. Or maybe the brown eye of Simon. |
| |
So I'm eating my lunch in the parking lot of the medical center next door to my work. There's a nice little lake over there and it's normally quite quiet. I'm enjoying my PB&J and Fritos when this lady comes up to my car and starts to tell me I shouldn't sit in the parking lot because I might scare the patients/patrons. Now I'm sitting in my car with the radio nice and low as I eat and read the newspaper. I've cut my hair and don't think I'm that frightening, so I was perturbed. I listened to her complain for a minute or so and then said, pretty much verbatim: "You know, talking to strangers increases the chance of you being stalked by some psychopath that takes an interest in you because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. You have no idea who I am or what I might do right at this particular time. When you leave me here, you are going to get in your car and drive home. How about I follow you home and we sit down at your kitchen table and talk about it. By the way my name is Joe, what's yours?" Truly, the look on her face was priceless. I really don't think she knew how to respond. She kinda huffed and told me I'm not a very nice man and walked to her car. Just to show I care, I followed her out and even down the street for a block, before turning back into my office's parking lot. Hopefully, she will remember me for awhile. Maybe I'll even get to see her again if she has another appointment. I can dream..........
|
| |
| I'm sure there are others who have thought this before, but isn't it kinda funny how YMCA become such a popular song. It's sung at sporting events & weddings, has it's own little dance to go with it and people still dress as the characters in the band for Halloween. "Everyone" loves the song.(probaly not true, but you know what I mean) And yet, it's a song about "meeting guys at the YMCA". Really, it's not much deeper that that if you listen to the lyrics. And in our "God fearing-homosexual fearing society" this is completely missed. Gay people are discriminated against on a regular daily basis so much that laws have been enacted and you can read about it in the paper on a consistent basis. I grew up in a very strong Christian family who seem oblivious to things like this and it just makes me wonder. Do people just not care, are they willing to overlook this for entertaiment purposes or what is the deal? How can you be so adamant against this issue and then happily sing and dance to this song? It perplexes me. Really. I still remember the look on my Dad's face when he found out the Village People were gay. Priceless, in a very weird sort of way. I could babble on, but I'll leave it at that for today. |