I begin my moonlighting career as da Leek's official movie and alternative lifestyle correspondent by attending a screening of Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain". As a straight man viewing this film with my girlfriend, I came away with one overwhelming sentiment, this movie was simply not gay enough.

Ang Lee , the diminutive Taiwanese director who burst on the scene with 2000's "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" decided to undertake the bold challenge of getting in touch with his inner-repressed homosexual side and created this long, grating 2 1/2 hour adaptation of an 11 page short story by E. Annie Proulx.  11 pages for Christ sake, scripts for "King of Queens" (a better gay title by the way) have more meat to them, literally. Ironically the story of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon was that of two warriors in pursuit of a stolen sword, and now Lee has branched out to the story of two modern American warriors engaging in a little sword fighting of their own. Too bad Lee missed the mark with "Tiger" being the far gayer of the two films. I will believe flying mystical Asians over this unrealistic story of forbidden cowboy love portrayed by two fading Hollywood heart throbs. Now had they cast Tom Cruise and Richard Gere...

Brokeback is the story of two modern era cowboys (movie opens in 1963 and spans 20 years, and it feels like it for every moment) played by Heath Ledger  ( of "A Knights Tale" one of the gayest films of the modern era) as Ennis Del Mar, and Jake Gyllenhaal  (can you say flavor of the week? the guy's in 4 movies in 2005! including the marginally gay "Jarhead") as the loveable Jack Twist. Our story opens with these two unlikely partners looking for work in poverty stricken Wyoming. Randy Quad (my least favorite actor on earth) gives this unlikely pair the job of herding his prize sheep herd over Brokeback Mountain for the summer. Can you say exciting back drop? Anyhoo, after spending some time on the mountain together herding sheep, drinking whisky, and mumbling barely distinguishable dialogue (if you've seen Slingblade, you know all you need to about Heath Ledger's performance, apparently this is how a no-talent hack gets a golden globe nomination) we are supposed to think that the beauty and isolation of mountainous Western America is enough to drive these two rough and tumble gents into each others arms and anuses. I just didn't buy the sexual attraction, the actors didn't sell it, and it was only 20 freakin minutes into the movie, who were these characters, who cares? I saw more sexual tension in the wilderness displayed between Carl Weathers and Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Predator" than between these two clowns, and I could much easier imagine Dutch giving Apollo Greed the high hard one over the awkward display of shadowy doggy style love delivered in this Wyoming pup tent.

Welcome to Oz bitch this was not.

The movie then proceeds to prattle on for about twenty years where we get to witness these two roughnecks get married, have sex with their ladies (as a note we saw more titties than any other genitalia in this movie, again Lee misses the point) raise children and engage in empty tortured relationships while always longing for their secret cowboy buck wild sessions on good 'ole brokeback. I won't give away the ending because I had already left my body behind and was contemplating the last Jena Jamison flick I witnessed and enjoyed on a much deeper level while also seeing way more "men" than I wanted or saw in Brokeback Mountain. Ending sucked, I didn't care, ass hurt, you get the idea.

As this movie goes on to get nominated for 7 golden globes and I am sure countless Oscars, I beg this of my readers, don't believe the hype! Critics are just too afraid of alienating gay Hollywood by busting out and screaming from the top of the highest mountain, this movie was a boring suck fest without a decent suck fest! I know gay is all the rage now, in the 90's you had to play a retard to get an Oscar, apparently in whatever the fuck they are calling this decade, gay is the way to be. Good luck and enjoy, I'll be waiting for "Queer as Folk: The Movie" so I can finally see that guy from talk soup get what he so desperately deserves.

Also, please visit this link for Brokeback to the Future.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfODSPIYwpQ